Pickle chaser

When life leaves a bitter taste in your mouth,
All you need is a pickle chaser...

Maybe not, but sometimes it is just that simple,
In other words just keep moving forwards,
We don't even need to 'shake it off',
If we keep moving forwards, we'll replace the thought with better times,
So have a pickle chaser,
follow the bad with the complete opposite.

It's been bugging me for months, now I understand it

When I got back to Australia a year and a half ago, after not too long my brother Adrian started me shit, at first it was a little than it was a lot, regular phone calls 2 to 3 times a week abusing me. After about 4 weeks of the regular abuse it stopped.

Before I knew it this started to roll around in my head until it had me pretty upset, and a year later, I'm still thinking about the abuse.

But just now I had a thought where I finally understand it, really everything he was saying was just a projection of his own insecurities, he was calling me a nerd, it's because he feels dumb, and yet he actually isn't, he just didn't get the grades in school. He was calling me bald, it's because he is self conscious of he's own looks, worried what people think too much and also because he get's enjoyment from putting people down. Because he doesn't have much excitement in his life, he is really board with life.

It's all a self projection of him self.

And that was 4 weeks of good solid abuse that has had me slowly going further further down for almost a year. And that's probably not helped by me just ditching all of my friends overseas and moving in with people that have their own life and are not so interested in socialising, hence I have few to talk too about it, or few to just simply hang out with and help put my mind on other things to help shake it off. Instead it rode me mentally for a year.

Welcome back to Australia. The issue's with family, their opinions count so it's there opinions we let bother us most.

And yet it all comes back to the same things, people do shitty thing's because they have problems themselves and project it in these shitty ways.

I'm glad this finally clicked, wish it didn't take me so long. I guess that's what physiologists probably do, just help you see the reason for stuff so you can better handle it.

So the question now is, now that I understand it, I think I can handle anything that comes may way from him in a negative sense, or should I try to say some things to him, to help him with he's own problems.

The nerd vs dumb thing I actually addressed with him a few months ago, although I wasn't really seeing it like this. What I said back than was correct. And what that was, is Adrian often calls me "the dumbest smart person he knows" and what this is about is him trying to call me dumb while calling me a nerd at the same time. I pulled him up on it telling him that the dumbest smart person that I know was him. Because me and him both know he is smarter than he acts, and he likes to act like a dumb. But he's not. As most aren't. Most of us really are just as smart as one another, some of us just look at things differently, and that's due to our life experiences. But growing up with him I probably know better than most that he is not a dumb arse. And I think me saying that to him shock him in the right way, to snap him out of a under dog card that he plays for intelligence. Where by because maybe we got different grades at school that he'd like to insult me now.

But there's still the self conscious thing and worrying what people thing too much. Although to raise this with him, I think we'll have him just turn around and tell me I'm self conscious. Ha, cause he is not a dumb arse and is very quick and snappy. It's funny how thing's are.

So I don't think there's any need to talk to him, maybe letting him know my thoughts, to let him know how he makes people feel. But I already did this, which got the abuse to stop, back when that happened.

So I guess, this is all just me. Realising it myself. I guess I'm pretty lucky that I can self analysis at times, but damn it took a long time.

For I am rich

For there I stood,
gazing upon images of the past,

As I look at paintings from long ago,
I see homesteads,
and a table inside, that has some food scatted,
a misplaced knife that's been used to cut the bread,
a little meat, some fruit and a rough cup of wine,
if you've got that like me, then you're rich.

If you can eat well,
and have a table of great friends to share smiles and good times,
then you are rich,
and any man that doesn't have that, shall be jealous.

Be good to your fellow men, and you'll have friends,
be good to your lands and you'll have food,
and you'll be rich.

For I am rich, says than man that comes from healthy lands and friendly fellows.

©RAMcK

Band-aid

Why do we cry when we get cut?

As an adult now I look back too why we cried us kids when we'd hurt out self. Was it because we weren't use to being cut or was it because we were a lot more sensitive. Or was it because how people around as would act when we did.

Or was it, because we wanted support, as it was an intense new moment for us.

I think it's that we wanted support, or maybe we didn't want it, we needed it.

But we grow and we learn that a cut is just a cut, and it will heal.

More cuts will come, but we have to continue to remember that a cut is just a cut.

I think sometimes we forget that cut's won't hurt, we need to not let them worry us. We need to know that cut's are just a leaf blowing in the wind, they will not affect our path unless we let them. But support is still nice.

Maybe we need more band aids, as long as they're positive.

I need to find a band aid.

Stress management

In my uni days the work load was huge, my stress levels would go up, but I knew if I didn't get work done I would fail. These days it seems if I expect a lot of my self my stress levels go up and then I procrastinate rather than work.

I need to take step back, calm down, get back to the heart of the problem. Break it down in to manageable chunks, then divide and conquer. Just like I did in uni.

Procrastination has stopped me from being efficient, but I've dealt with this before and can do it again.

Map out the work, break it down, step through it one step at a time.

I have to find my work zen again.

Commitment Phobia

I have a commitment phobia... it's not just in relationships it's also in life, it's with my dreams also. I'm scared of stepping in to my dreams as I'm scared of stepping in to that world. I'm holding my self back with this fear. It's hard for me to entertain the thought of dealing with these fears but my must embrace them and demand more. I need to let go, push and drive through my fear by recognising it and realising what I'm doing.


Basic youtube vid on how to approach commitment phobia.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LE4pzoJGXfE

Steps:: Observe, Embrace, Demand More, Trust


I need to let go.


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I think my commitment phobia applies to my dreams as well... I think I've got a lot of fear or failure or fear of what the step will bring. Which is limiting me at the moment. and i keep trying to escape it by not doing work when I should be. I think i'm avoiding facing, dealing with my fears and I think I need to try and envision this and embrace it / live it, to move forwards.

Adrian

When I got home


After being away for 3 years I arrived home, feeling so happy to be back, I loved it. It was amazing. Australia is so great. It was better than I remembered, warmer, cleaner and just nice. I looked at everything through fresh eyes and could view my home state through new eyes with world comparisons.

I could eat all of the Australian food again, including Alens lollies which I missed so much. And Twisties and meat pies and Lamingtons... and I could see my family it was great, even though my grand mother had just died the weak before. - It really did make you step back a little. But shit I was back and it was great. And sad. I miss her. - and I wish I could have talked to her properly as an adult not with my family around that constricts me-

And then the settling in begin, which at first I avoided buy buying a van and hooking up with a fellow traveler and hitting the road for a little soaking in even more of this great land. Hopping from beach to beach all the way up the east cost. We parted in the north. And then it was time for me to turn around and head home.

On this drive I was facing home I took 3 weeks getting back, visiting new places and exploring more on the way. I had a lot of dreams but then I had reality, which I thought would be great. I was going to do it all right.

But thing's started to catch up with me, I had to choose where to live, new life, old life, new home, old home. And before I knew it the family questions started. And then my brother started.

It started with the regular put downs, he was getting back to his normal self, trying to be superior by putting everyone down. At first it was just paying me out about what stood out, so joking about the people I lived with and then it escalated to a phone call once a week and then twice a week before he just started abusing me.

This hit hard. I was just opening a door back to what could be home again, trying to place my first steps. When all of sudden I was being hit by abuse. Still unsure about where I wanted to settle and questioning different approach's back in to my contribution to the world (working), this shock the ground hard.

I told Adrian to piss off. I wish I yelled Fuck OFF! but I didn't.

Little did I know that 9 months later I would be sitting here with this still bothering me. Like it was a put down that planted a plague.

For 3 years no one gave me shit, now I'm back in a world were people think small of me and want to treat me even smaller.

This really really hit hard. It has upset me.



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It the past I've been too nice to say things. Not this time. I will call him, and rip his head off.